Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize