i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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