no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
