i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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