dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
