I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
