he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
