i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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