I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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