we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
