Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
