i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
