sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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