Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize