Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
