i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize