can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
