she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
