meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Hippo gnu deer
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
