I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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