i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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