you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
