I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
