then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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