I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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