youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
