Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize