just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
