Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize