I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
