he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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