Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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