turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
And then the night went full on bisexual.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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