I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
