I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
