you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
