We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
