Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The adults are the big ones right?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
