all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
