My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Randomize
