omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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