I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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