i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
