I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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