It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Everyone says I win the strip club
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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