I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
