There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
