I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
