really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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