He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
