Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
