Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
