how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
