My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
