Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
