Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize