We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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