I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize