Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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