Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
