you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
