Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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