By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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