so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
two words: eviction party
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
