He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
