My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
