i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
